I own an older home and the pipes are old as shit. Many of
them unfortunately are filled with shit and breaking apart. So I called in a
local company – let’s call them Old Ass American Homes – to take a look at my
old as shit pipes and almost certainly separate me from a shit-ton of my own
money. After about 17 seconds in my basement, the all-American looking chap --
let’s call him Zbignew – popped up for a quick chat.
“Your pipes they
are shot.” Zbignew smiled.
“Yes, they are shit.” I replied.
“Shot. Not shit.”
“OK!”
Zbignew patted me
on the head and continued. “Lots of
money, homeowner!”
I smiled and wrote
him a check for $97,000 then went to go change for work. When I got out of the
shower, Zbignew was waiting for me with a delicious pumpkin scone.
“Eat, I check
shower drain.”
It was a chilly
Fall day so I dressed in my best corduroy. Zbignew’s scone was pure heaven.
Just as I was snapping my suspenders into place, Zbignew emerged from the
shower covered in dust.
“I break through
wall, homeowner!”
“I enjoyed your
scone, new friend.”
“You will not
enjoy this: there is hole in wall.”
“Are you
referring to the one you just made?” I sang.
“The fuck you
say?”
I gave him what
little cash I had on me at the moment – $2,912 – as a down payment. He snorted
and stuffed the cash in his underpants. I laughed and he slapped me like a
baby.
After measuring
the hole in the wall for his own personal satisfaction, we retired to the den
to watch Cory Haim movies. We had a tough but fair conversation about whether
Haim’s trademark sneer was authentic or fabricated, and then I told him he
needed to get out of my house so I could put on a shirt and go to work. “You
don’t work here???,” Zbignew asked,
sweat gathering on his brow. “Most certainly not!” I shot back.
“I have offended
you. Zbignew is sorry.” He offered, hat in hand.
“Where did you
get that hat?” I replied, shocked to the core.
“From your
closet.”
Satisfied with
his answer, I paid him the remaining $32,570 in small bills stuffed into my
best alligator skin briefcase.
“I think you’ll find
that it’s all there.” I offered.
“It better be or
I kill you with knife.” he replied.
We stared at each
other until our eyes welled up with tears from not blinking. It was silly but
felt right at the time. I refused to walk him to the door and he left his
shoes, securing a return visit.
I look forward to
it.
No comments:
Post a Comment