Friday, April 7, 2017

Yard work!!!


     It’s almost spring and you know what that means, don’t you? It means lawn care! And for those of you who still rent (seriously???) and don’t have your own patch of heaven to tend to, well, stop reading. Hahaha, JK, you’re welcome to tag along! Anyhoo, every year when spring rolls around, I gather with my lawn guy, Jesus (pronounced: hey! – Zeus), to discuss the plan of attack. Now, Jesus’s primary language is Spanish and mine is English so right there we have a problem. I use a lot of hand signals and Jesus giggles. Most of the time it works but more than a few times Jesus has ended up cutting my hair. He does a nice job so I don’t say anything.
     Our relationship is much like father and son: Jesus shows me the proper ways of opening up the soil after a long winter and I eat snacks and watch baseball. But I’m not soft – far from it. I’m still very involved in my own lawn care. Yessir! Just last week I power raked the back yard except I didn’t actually do that at all. What I did do was watch videos on power raking then pace around the back yard until I felt too tired and overwhelmed with the work in front of me. That happens a lot. And then I get sad. And you know what’s really hard to do when you’re sad? Yard work. Because who fucking cares what shade of green your god damn grass is when night is always coming?
     Anyway, that’s when I call Jesus. He comes over and I signal like a deaf person on crack and he giggles like a child. And then he makes my lawn look like god damn Astroturf while I play guitar or drink coffee or some shit. We just make it work. I like to think that over the years, Jesus and I have forged a special bond. He thinks very little of me while I continue to pay his bills as late as possible.
     But it’s the unspoken code we have developed that is most important to me: like the time I found Jesus talking to my wife about the perennials in the side yard. Not only did I learn that those fuckers can come back EVERY YEAR, but that Jesus speaks very good English. And here I am learning sign language in Spanish! So as spring returns, I wish you all a hearty, healthy lawn to carry you through summer. Jesus and I will see to it that mine is green and lush. And if not, I will fucking fire his ass.


   

Friday, December 30, 2016

Happy Socks

Most of you have probably noticed that I have been swapping out my black Brooks Brothers socks with exciting colorful hosiery from Happy Socks.  If you ride the 6:14am train, you DEFINITELY have seen my socks. That's because I sit in the top row and hike my slacks up at least 3 inches. Here's what my new socks are saying, in case it's not obvious. 

Pink Polka Dot
There is literally nothing that can stop me. I am an absolute animal and will dismember you and beat you with your own appendages.  You think Carl from accounting is crazy with those sideburns? Fuck that. I have pink polka dot socks, bitch. 

Red Wave
I surf and skate and generally rip. I BMX and pull tubes and smoke meth and punch kooks trying to take my wave. I am a local. I am THE local. The little groms look up to me but I scare them because of my Red Wave socks from Happy Socks. 

Balloons 
I spent most of my life tripping on acid, or so it seems to the other riders on the 6:14am train.  I have several CDs from the band Phish and play them when the kids are asleep. The wife hates Phish and my Balloon socks from Happy Socks and I don't give a good goddamn. 

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Canni-Dad's Weed Review; Volume One

Having enjoyed a stroke 3 years ago, I am now a fully-legal cannabis user thanks to the Compassionate Use of Medical Cannabis Pilot Program Act.  This is my attempt at record the effects to better find a remedy for my mild case of stress.  

12/1/16
Strain: Island Sweet Skunk
Delivery Mechanism: Dr Dabber Vaporizer
Notes: My first hit of weed in years!  I took a tiny little toke and I'm definitely a little giddy. I might have some popcorn.  

12/2/16
Strain: ISS
Delivery Mechanism: Dr Dabber
Notes: Last night went pretty well. I was able to clearly discuss homework issues with my 12 year old. I will try a little more, right now. Okay, that definitely tastes like its name... Strawberry Cough!  I don't know why they... 

I've never thrown up from coughing before.  I guess this is all part of the learning process. 

12/4/16
Strain: Quantum Kush
Delivery: Flower in PAX 2 herbal vaporizer 

Notes: I didn't get to vape last night. Kids had the recital and I was on bedtime duty. Tonight is my turn to do the dishes, so I am going to try a Sativa. The online reviews say that Quantum Kush is a very motivating strain. It has a "ridiculously high THC content". I think that means it's good for chores. I will try it now, do the dishes, and report back. 

I did the dishes. And the neighbors dishes. I took the dog for a walk. The neighbors dog. We don't have a dog. I might go get a dog. 

I got a dog. 

12/19/16
Strain: Cannatonic 
Delivery: Graffix 18" Bong
I realize it's been awhile, but the wife is out with the girls and I can finally get back to business. The dog night was a bit traumatic for the family, not to mention the neighbors. The neighbor is really stressing me out, and I  think I have just the strain: Cannatonic. It is very low THC, so I doubt I will break into anyone's house, but high in CDB. CDB is know to have healing powers and can greatly reduce anxiety.  I will hit a nice big bong hit, just like in college, and then go out the kids to bed. 

Putting the kids away right after this show about Mars ends. Then the kids. Look at that beautiful Martian mountain. Martian mountain. Ha. That's funny. I'll just close my eyes and think about that for a minute. 

12/20/16
Huh? Did you say something? Stop staring at me you freak. 

What? 

I know I drew you in my diary. I'm not an idiot.  

No, I shouldn't. That's a really strong concentrate and you know what happened last night. 

Fine!  Just shut up or you'll wake up the whole neighborhood again!  Remember last night???!

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

My Research for a Better Country

     It’s clear to just about anyone who hasn’t been living under a substantial rock that we’re a bitterly divided nation.  In an attempt at finding clarity and common ground, I have decided to begin speaking with more strangers. My goal is to expand my circle of influence beyond myself and in doing so, open my mind to new and interesting ideas in the name of unification.  Here are some excerpts from my just-begun “research”:

At the dry cleaners…
Dry Cleaner:   You want starch?
Me:                  I do, yes. But more than that, I’d like to find an acceptable replacement for Obamacare that keeps many of the same pillars intact but lowers premiums. How do you feel about that?
Dry Cleaner:   Well, the problem is that if you want to cover people with pre-existing conditions, those policies are more expensive and the insurance companies want to make up that cost. So without higher premiums, where do you find the money?
Me:                  No crease, this time, ok? That looks ridiculous.
Dry Cleaner:    No crease. Thursday OK?
Me:                  Yes, Thursday is fine.


Waiting for the train…
Me:                  What are you reading there?
Woman:          Oh, just some train reading, you know. An old Philip Roth book.
Me:                  He writes a lot about sex.
Woman:          Umm…yes, I guess.
Me:                  Speaking of that, do you want the government in your bedroom?
Woman:          What do you mean?
Me:                  Do you think the government should be able to decide what sexual positions you can enjoy?
Woman:          What? I don’t even think that’s something they want to do.
Me:                  Get your head out of the sand, sheep.
Woman:          Jesus, fuck off.


At the deli counter...
Me:                  What number do you have?
Customer:       28…did he just say 28?
Me:                  I don’t know, but I know what he didn’t say.
Customer:       Huh? What?
Me:                  He didn’t say everyone gets free lunchmeat today. ‘Cuz we aren’t socialists, right?
Customer:       Yeah I guess.
Me:                  Although free meat doesn’t sound so bad, does it?
Customer:       No, it doesn’t.
Me:                  I bet you voted for Sanders.
Customer:       No, I voted for Jill Stein.
Me:                  Holy shit, what the fuck is wrong with you?


I’m making real progress. Watch this space.