Monday, November 7, 2016

Election Time!

     Ladies and germs, tomorrow we go to the polls and elect the next President of these United States. Many of you are still struggling with whom to vote for so I thought I’d share my personal guidelines that have steered me so true over the last nearly 30 years.

Never vote when you’re hungry.
If you do, you’ll end up voting for a bunch of people and initiatives you don’t even need.

Read up on your choices.
Which candidate likes cinnamon toast? Who’s better at hanging drywall? Understanding your options is the best way to make the most of your vote.

Manners count!
Study the film: does he put his napkin in his lap during meals? Does she say “please” and “thank you?” Remember, poor manners reflect badly on all of us

And finally…   

Which candidate is not afraid to mash the holy fuck out of a baby rabbit?
Being President means making touch choices. Can you imagine your candidate mashing the holy fuck out of a helpless baby rabbit? Be sure that you can.

     Remember, voting is a privilege, not a right. In fact, it wasn’t until 1987 that voting was extended to people in America’s inner cities. Fact! Now #govote!!!

Tuesday, November 1, 2016

My Halloween Recap

     Happy day after Halloween, jerks! I don’t know about you all, but I had a great time last night. I wore my usual Henry Kissinger costume and in lieu of candy, I attempted to engage all costumed children in spirited debates regarding US – China relations. They still don’t get it! Smh. Anyway, I had to run to the store for more seltzer during peak Trick or Treating time, so I left a bowl of candy on my front stoop with a sign reading “Take one!” When I returned, the candy and bowl were nowhere to be found and the sign had been tweaked to read: “Fuck You!” What a turn of events! This year I tried something a little different: I thought it would be nice to create a haunted house to help heighten the kids’ experience. As it turns out, no one is frightened by oversized photos of NPR Marketplace host, Kai Ryssdal. All in all, it was a great Halloween, however. My favorite moment was when two teenagers arrived at my doorstep sans costume, demanding candy. “What’s your costume – apathy?” I remarked – an incredible zinger. “You’re a total dipshit” they shot back, clawing at the candy bowl with their hungry teenage paws. A fair, level-headed exchange that perfectly summed up my favorite night of the year!