Friday, December 30, 2016

Happy Socks

Most of you have probably noticed that I have been swapping out my black Brooks Brothers socks with exciting colorful hosiery from Happy Socks.  If you ride the 6:14am train, you DEFINITELY have seen my socks. That's because I sit in the top row and hike my slacks up at least 3 inches. Here's what my new socks are saying, in case it's not obvious. 

Pink Polka Dot
There is literally nothing that can stop me. I am an absolute animal and will dismember you and beat you with your own appendages.  You think Carl from accounting is crazy with those sideburns? Fuck that. I have pink polka dot socks, bitch. 

Red Wave
I surf and skate and generally rip. I BMX and pull tubes and smoke meth and punch kooks trying to take my wave. I am a local. I am THE local. The little groms look up to me but I scare them because of my Red Wave socks from Happy Socks. 

I spent most of my life tripping on acid, or so it seems to the other riders on the 6:14am train.  I have several CDs from the band Phish and play them when the kids are asleep. The wife hates Phish and my Balloon socks from Happy Socks and I don't give a good goddamn. 

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Canni-Dad's Weed Review; Volume One

Having enjoyed a stroke 3 years ago, I am now a fully-legal cannabis user thanks to the Compassionate Use of Medical Cannabis Pilot Program Act.  This is my attempt at record the effects to better find a remedy for my mild case of stress.  

Strain: Island Sweet Skunk
Delivery Mechanism: Dr Dabber Vaporizer
Notes: My first hit of weed in years!  I took a tiny little toke and I'm definitely a little giddy. I might have some popcorn.  

Strain: ISS
Delivery Mechanism: Dr Dabber
Notes: Last night went pretty well. I was able to clearly discuss homework issues with my 12 year old. I will try a little more, right now. Okay, that definitely tastes like its name... Strawberry Cough!  I don't know why they... 

I've never thrown up from coughing before.  I guess this is all part of the learning process. 

Strain: Quantum Kush
Delivery: Flower in PAX 2 herbal vaporizer 

Notes: I didn't get to vape last night. Kids had the recital and I was on bedtime duty. Tonight is my turn to do the dishes, so I am going to try a Sativa. The online reviews say that Quantum Kush is a very motivating strain. It has a "ridiculously high THC content". I think that means it's good for chores. I will try it now, do the dishes, and report back. 

I did the dishes. And the neighbors dishes. I took the dog for a walk. The neighbors dog. We don't have a dog. I might go get a dog. 

I got a dog. 

Strain: Cannatonic 
Delivery: Graffix 18" Bong
I realize it's been awhile, but the wife is out with the girls and I can finally get back to business. The dog night was a bit traumatic for the family, not to mention the neighbors. The neighbor is really stressing me out, and I  think I have just the strain: Cannatonic. It is very low THC, so I doubt I will break into anyone's house, but high in CDB. CDB is know to have healing powers and can greatly reduce anxiety.  I will hit a nice big bong hit, just like in college, and then go out the kids to bed. 

Putting the kids away right after this show about Mars ends. Then the kids. Look at that beautiful Martian mountain. Martian mountain. Ha. That's funny. I'll just close my eyes and think about that for a minute. 

Huh? Did you say something? Stop staring at me you freak. 


I know I drew you in my diary. I'm not an idiot.  

No, I shouldn't. That's a really strong concentrate and you know what happened last night. 

Fine!  Just shut up or you'll wake up the whole neighborhood again!  Remember last night???!

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

My Research for a Better Country

     It’s clear to just about anyone who hasn’t been living under a substantial rock that we’re a bitterly divided nation.  In an attempt at finding clarity and common ground, I have decided to begin speaking with more strangers. My goal is to expand my circle of influence beyond myself and in doing so, open my mind to new and interesting ideas in the name of unification.  Here are some excerpts from my just-begun “research”:

At the dry cleaners…
Dry Cleaner:   You want starch?
Me:                  I do, yes. But more than that, I’d like to find an acceptable replacement for Obamacare that keeps many of the same pillars intact but lowers premiums. How do you feel about that?
Dry Cleaner:   Well, the problem is that if you want to cover people with pre-existing conditions, those policies are more expensive and the insurance companies want to make up that cost. So without higher premiums, where do you find the money?
Me:                  No crease, this time, ok? That looks ridiculous.
Dry Cleaner:    No crease. Thursday OK?
Me:                  Yes, Thursday is fine.

Waiting for the train…
Me:                  What are you reading there?
Woman:          Oh, just some train reading, you know. An old Philip Roth book.
Me:                  He writes a lot about sex.
Woman:          Umm…yes, I guess.
Me:                  Speaking of that, do you want the government in your bedroom?
Woman:          What do you mean?
Me:                  Do you think the government should be able to decide what sexual positions you can enjoy?
Woman:          What? I don’t even think that’s something they want to do.
Me:                  Get your head out of the sand, sheep.
Woman:          Jesus, fuck off.

At the deli counter...
Me:                  What number do you have?
Customer:       28…did he just say 28?
Me:                  I don’t know, but I know what he didn’t say.
Customer:       Huh? What?
Me:                  He didn’t say everyone gets free lunchmeat today. ‘Cuz we aren’t socialists, right?
Customer:       Yeah I guess.
Me:                  Although free meat doesn’t sound so bad, does it?
Customer:       No, it doesn’t.
Me:                  I bet you voted for Sanders.
Customer:       No, I voted for Jill Stein.
Me:                  Holy shit, what the fuck is wrong with you?

I’m making real progress. Watch this space.

Monday, November 7, 2016

Election Time!

     Ladies and germs, tomorrow we go to the polls and elect the next President of these United States. Many of you are still struggling with whom to vote for so I thought I’d share my personal guidelines that have steered me so true over the last nearly 30 years.

Never vote when you’re hungry.
If you do, you’ll end up voting for a bunch of people and initiatives you don’t even need.

Read up on your choices.
Which candidate likes cinnamon toast? Who’s better at hanging drywall? Understanding your options is the best way to make the most of your vote.

Manners count!
Study the film: does he put his napkin in his lap during meals? Does she say “please” and “thank you?” Remember, poor manners reflect badly on all of us

And finally…   

Which candidate is not afraid to mash the holy fuck out of a baby rabbit?
Being President means making touch choices. Can you imagine your candidate mashing the holy fuck out of a helpless baby rabbit? Be sure that you can.

     Remember, voting is a privilege, not a right. In fact, it wasn’t until 1987 that voting was extended to people in America’s inner cities. Fact! Now #govote!!!