Wednesday, December 14, 2016

My Research for a Better Country

     It’s clear to just about anyone who hasn’t been living under a substantial rock that we’re a bitterly divided nation.  In an attempt at finding clarity and common ground, I have decided to begin speaking with more strangers. My goal is to expand my circle of influence beyond myself and in doing so, open my mind to new and interesting ideas in the name of unification.  Here are some excerpts from my just-begun “research”:

At the dry cleaners…
Dry Cleaner:   You want starch?
Me:                  I do, yes. But more than that, I’d like to find an acceptable replacement for Obamacare that keeps many of the same pillars intact but lowers premiums. How do you feel about that?
Dry Cleaner:   Well, the problem is that if you want to cover people with pre-existing conditions, those policies are more expensive and the insurance companies want to make up that cost. So without higher premiums, where do you find the money?
Me:                  No crease, this time, ok? That looks ridiculous.
Dry Cleaner:    No crease. Thursday OK?
Me:                  Yes, Thursday is fine.

Waiting for the train…
Me:                  What are you reading there?
Woman:          Oh, just some train reading, you know. An old Philip Roth book.
Me:                  He writes a lot about sex.
Woman:          Umm…yes, I guess.
Me:                  Speaking of that, do you want the government in your bedroom?
Woman:          What do you mean?
Me:                  Do you think the government should be able to decide what sexual positions you can enjoy?
Woman:          What? I don’t even think that’s something they want to do.
Me:                  Get your head out of the sand, sheep.
Woman:          Jesus, fuck off.

At the deli counter...
Me:                  What number do you have?
Customer:       28…did he just say 28?
Me:                  I don’t know, but I know what he didn’t say.
Customer:       Huh? What?
Me:                  He didn’t say everyone gets free lunchmeat today. ‘Cuz we aren’t socialists, right?
Customer:       Yeah I guess.
Me:                  Although free meat doesn’t sound so bad, does it?
Customer:       No, it doesn’t.
Me:                  I bet you voted for Sanders.
Customer:       No, I voted for Jill Stein.
Me:                  Holy shit, what the fuck is wrong with you?

I’m making real progress. Watch this space.

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