My Halloween Recap

     Happy day after Halloween, jerks! I don’t know about you all, but I had a great time last night. I wore my usual Henry Kissinger costume and in lieu of candy, I attempted to engage all costumed children in spirited debates regarding US – China relations. They still don’t get it! Smh. Anyway, I had to run to the store for more seltzer during peak Trick or Treating time, so I left a bowl of candy on my front stoop with a sign reading “Take one!” When I returned, the candy and bowl were nowhere to be found and the sign had been tweaked to read: “Fuck You!” What a turn of events! This year I tried something a little different: I thought it would be nice to create a haunted house to help heighten the kids’ experience. As it turns out, no one is frightened by oversized photos of NPR Marketplace host, Kai Ryssdal. All in all, it was a great Halloween, however. My favorite moment was when two teenagers arrived at my doorstep sans costume, demanding candy. “What’s your costume – apathy?” I remarked – an incredible zinger. “You’re a total dipshit” they shot back, clawing at the candy bowl with their hungry teenage paws. A fair, level-headed exchange that perfectly summed up my favorite night of the year!  

Win $100! Just Stop at the Crosswalk!

     I wore the Abe Lincoln costume yesterday, so that's out.  Plus, the beard kept blowing off and the stupid drivers were laughing at me.  Laughing, but once again, not stopping for me, the Pedestrian.  The Dorothy dress and pigtails definitely garnered sidewalk reactions, but not the cars. The cars still blew through the crosswalk.  I might have to go with the bear.  Maybe they will fear for their lives or maybe, God forbid, a bear might ding their Tesla.  Fuckers.

     Tactically speaking, I can do better.  The footage isn't what I want it to be, so I am going to place another camera in the bush on the northeast corner.  With two cameras I can put together reaction shots from both the drivers and my character.  The bear is going to be good.  The bear might really get angry and chase after a car or something.  Bears are very erratic. 

     Okay, the bear costume fits nicely and I think I should be able to sprint while wearing it.  The problem is, it seems a little "soft".  Drivers need to be scared shitless that this thing is coming for them and their family and isn't going to stop until it eats their face. The costume isn't enough. I need some props.

     The Wilmette butcher is so great.  He's so nice.  So helpful.  He looked a little scared, so I took the bear head off when I asked him for a full lamb carcass. "With the head?" he asked.  Duh!  But, seriously nice guy.  And helpful.

     The cameras are in place and we are rolling.  

     Hello to everyone on Youtube!  Hello, new followers!  I got a few questions about yesterday's Abe show, and yes I am fine.  Sometimes I go to a very dark place and I am sorry you had to see that.  But, today is a new day!  

     For all of my new viewers: My plan is to wait for a car to approach the cross walk at 17th and Lake and to hand a $100 bill to the first car that stops for me.  It's been 43 days and not a single car has stopped.  The costumes started around day 17.  Last week, I tried to get a little girl to accompany me, but her mother is a fucking bitch and wouldn't let her precious little daughter stand a few feet into the crosswalk with me.  Bitch.  I hate you.  But, whatever, let's get going.

     As you can see, I am a bear.  What you CAN'T see, is that I have a mutilated lamb carcass hidden in that bush over there.  I am going to pretend to be struggling with the lamb in the bushes.  It needs to look like I am really mangling the thing and after more than just the kill.  The bear is psychotic and wants to feast on the soul of the lamb.  Eat it's very being.  So, please add a comment at the bottom of this video and let me know how I did.  Your feedback is very helpful.

     So once the car approaches, I am going to lurch out of the bushes and into the crosswalk holding the gutted animal over my head.  Obviously, in the hopes that a car finally stops.  So I can give one helpful driver his or her $100 bill.

     Give me a minute to get into character.

     Alright, here we go...

An Enlightening Chat with my Flight Attendant

     On a recent flight, I was lucky enough to be seated next to an empty seat – every traveler’s wet dream. So, of course I immediately asked my flight attendant, Harold Porridge, to plop down next to me for a chat. I like to learn about people! Harold’s a delightful man of about 50 years. He sports a blonde moustache and has a cherubic paunch that extends oh-so-gingerly over his belt line. We had a wonderful chat.

ME:      So Harold, how long have you been in the flight game?

HP:       Oh, gosh! Twelve years now.

ME:      Well, you don’t look a day over 13!

HP:       Hahahaha, that’s very cute. Cute AND funny.

ME:      Thank you, Harold. Ever do something on the job you completely regret?

HP:       I once urinated in a customer’s coffee. I’m not proud of that.

ME:      Only once, Harold?

HP:       OK --I urinated in his refill!

ME:      Well that makes sense. Keeps the flavor consistent. Tell me, do you like what you do?

HP:       Not particularly, no.

ME:      Well, that must make it quite taxing, then.

HP:       No, not especially.

ME:      Now you’re just being a dick, Harold.

(pause)

ME:      That’s it? You don’t want to talk anymore?

HP:       I think you could be a really good friend to me, but I would like to establish some ground rules.

ME:      Do they involve me not calling you a dick?

HP:       That is one rule I was drafting in my head, yes.

ME:      I’m not interested, but thank you for your time!

     I liked Harold almost as fast as I began to dislike him. When he left the seat next to me, I felt nothing. He kept glancing over at me throughout the rest of the flight but fuck him.