Wednesday, October 26, 2016

An Enlightening Chat with my Flight Attendant

     On a recent flight, I was lucky enough to be seated next to an empty seat – every traveler’s wet dream. So, of course I immediately asked my flight attendant, Harold Porridge, to plop down next to me for a chat. I like to learn about people! Harold’s a delightful man of about 50 years. He sports a blonde moustache and has a cherubic paunch that extends oh-so-gingerly over his belt line. We had a wonderful chat.

ME:      So Harold, how long have you been in the flight game?
HP:       Oh, gosh! Twelve years now.
ME:      Well, you don’t look a day over 13!
HP:       Hahahaha, that’s very cute. Cute AND funny.
ME:      Thank you, Harold. Ever do something on the job you completely regret?
HP:       I once urinated in a customer’s coffee. I’m not proud of that.
ME:      Only once, Harold?
HP:       OK --I urinated in his refill!
ME:      Well that makes sense. Keeps the flavor consistent. Tell me, do you like what you do?
HP:       Not particularly, no.
ME:      Well, that must make it quite taxing, then.
HP:       No, not especially.
ME:      Now you’re just being a dick, Harold.


ME:      That’s it? You don’t want to talk anymore?
HP:       I think you could be a really good friend to me, but I would like to establish some ground rules.
ME:      Do they involve me not calling you a dick?
HP:       That is one rule I was drafting in my head, yes.
ME:      I’m not interested, but thank you for your time!

     I liked Harold almost as fast as I began to dislike him. When he left the seat next to me, I felt nothing. He kept glancing over at me throughout the rest of the flight but fuck him.

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