I own an older home and the pipes are old as shit. Many of them unfortunately are filled with shit and breaking apart. So I called in a local company – let’s call them Old Ass American Homes – to take a look at my old as shit pipes and almost certainly separate me from a shit-ton of my own money. After about 17 seconds in my basement, the all-American looking chap -- let’s call him Zbignew – popped up for a quick chat.
“Your pipes they are shot.” Zbignew smiled.
“Yes, they are shit.” I replied.
“Shot. Not shit.”
Zbignew patted me on the head and continued. “Lots of money, homeowner!”
I smiled and wrote him a check for $97,000 then went to go change for work. When I got out of the shower, Zbignew was waiting for me with a delicious pumpkin scone.
“Eat, I check shower drain.”
It was a chilly Fall day so I dressed in my best corduroy. Zbignew’s scone was pure heaven. Just as I was snapping my suspenders into place, Zbignew emerged from the shower covered in dust.
“I break through wall, homeowner!”
“I enjoyed your scone, new friend.”
“You will not enjoy this: there is hole in wall.”
“Are you referring to the one you just made?” I sang.
“The fuck you say?”
I gave him what little cash I had on me at the moment – $2,912 – as a down payment. He snorted and stuffed the cash in his underpants. I laughed and he slapped me like a baby.
After measuring the hole in the wall for his own personal satisfaction, we retired to the den to watch Cory Haim movies. We had a tough but fair conversation about whether Haim’s trademark sneer was authentic or fabricated, and then I told him he needed to get out of my house so I could put on a shirt and go to work. “You don’t work here???,” Zbignew asked, sweat gathering on his brow. “Most certainly not!” I shot back.
“I have offended you. Zbignew is sorry.” He offered, hat in hand.
“Where did you get that hat?” I replied, shocked to the core.
“From your closet.”
Satisfied with his answer, I paid him the remaining $32,570 in small bills stuffed into my best alligator skin briefcase.
“I think you’ll find that it’s all there.” I offered.
“It better be or I kill you with knife.” he replied.
We stared at each other until our eyes welled up with tears from not blinking. It was silly but felt right at the time. I refused to walk him to the door and he left his shoes, securing a return visit.
I look forward to it.