Tuesday, October 4, 2016

That Lady Walking Her Dog is a Total Bitch

     The other day I saw a lady walking her dog in my neighborhood. The lady was a bit older. Mind you, I’m no spring chicken! I stopped to pet her dog who was relatively ugly.
     “What kind of dog is this?” I said, pleasant as shit.
     “Do you know much about dogs?” she asked.
     Well, fuck. I don’t know much about cars but I drive the goddamn hell out of one each day.
     “Not really.” I said.
     “She’s a Border Collie.”
     I’m no veterinarian but every swinging dick knows that Border Collies are smart dogs.
     “Oh, I hear they’re really smart.” I said.
     “You wouldn’t believe it!” she exclaimed.
     Really? I wouldn’t believe it? Why not? Are you going to tell me this hyper little shit makes you breakfast every morning? Does this little spaz know how to diagram a fucking sentence? Why don’t you try me, older lady? I’ll be the judge of what does and does not blow my own fucking mind.
     “She tries to block the door when I leave to go to the store.” She said all holier-than-thou.
     “Oh that’s cute.” I said.
     Sure it’s fucking cute, but I wouldn’t exactly call it smart. I mean, you give the dog food and water, older lady. When you leave, she could die. How in holy hell does a dumb-ass dog even know you are coming back. So yeah, I’d block the fucking door, too.
    “Well, have a nice day” she said and walked off with her shitty dog.

    Right, fuck you too.

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